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Not so Happy Feet
At the end of one of the warmest winters on record, I am amazed that only two years ago, after five days of snowfall in a row, it was hard to refrain from hitting the next person who asked, “Isn’t it pretty?” upside down with my shovel. Yet here we are, in the first winter I haven’t dreamed wistfully of a Pina Colada, palm trees, and a cabin boy named Antonio. I guess that’s a good thing. But, when I heard about the Ayles Ice Shelf – all 41 miles of it – breaking off from an island south of the North Pole, I couldn’t help but hope that the penguins will learn to fly very soon.
Now I know that penguins live at the South Pole and Santa Claus at the North Pole. That’s a good thing, because there’s nothing wrong with forcing a reindeer to pull a fat man on a sleigh, but hitching penguins to Santa’s sleigh seems so wrong. However, whether it’s Heat Miser throwing a tantrum or Al Gore not kidding and really inventing global warming, it’s something for the penguins and for all of us. And just in case you haven’t given it much thought, I spent my morning going through all the potentially responsible parties.
Those damn Hollywood liberals. Yes, there are those who believe that happy feet is a left-wing plot to brainwash children into believing that global warming is actually a problem. I will give them that Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is a front to push every bleeding-heart liberal platform that exists via a series focused on Saturday Night Live, this pinnacle of network programming responsible for cultural icons such as Church Lady, Coneheads and Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood. Two thoughts on this: SNL gave us “land sharks”; and I always knew that Matthew Perry was the best actor in Friends.
Verdict: While they may be crazy enough to elect The Terminator as governor, I’m not sure their madness extends to using global warming to put out wildfires.
James Cameron. In 1997 he gave us Titanic. This means it’s time for a 10 year anniversary, special edition for collectors. What would increase sales more than an iceberg wrecking a cruise ship? Additionally, according to Wikipedia, Cameron is a member of the Mars Society – “an international non-profit space advocacy organization dedicated to encouraging the exploration and colonization of Mars.” Maybe he knows something we don’t?
Verdict: Keep an eye out for this one. Especially since he once proclaimed himself “King of the world”.
George Strait. Global warming could prompt a re-release and give the song “Oceanfront Property in Arizona” a whole new meaning.
Verdict: Since all of his “Ex’s Live in Texas”, he’s more likely to do something to eliminate the Lone Star state first.
Al Gore. Al manages to get involved in some of the greatest controversies of our time: the Internet, if it were at the center of Love storyand global warming.
Verdict: Al has a bad reputation with the Internet; but, his alter ego is more likely to be Oliver Barrett IV rather than Heat Miser. However, the things some people will do just to win an Oscar.
Dick Cheney. Not a suspect. While he could shoot his best friend in the face; Clearly, global warming is not good for oil and gas companies.
The scientific community. Isn’t it always the poor and ignored scientists who invent global catastrophes to intervene at the last minute and save the world? If you haven’t noticed, there’s been a subtle campaign to make scientists cool. First you got revenge of the nerds led by Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and all the other geek squad tech dudes. Now you got shows like Dexter’s Laboratory and Jimmy Neutron to convince children to grow up and be scientists.
Verdict: Maybe if we all unilaterally decide that scientists are really, really cool, they’ll come together and help stop global warming. Until then, I’m not investing in oil and gas, and I’m heading to Venice this year before it’s gone. I also put An inconvenient truth back on my Netflix list so I can make other travel plans accordingly, including checking out some properties in Scottsdale and Phoenix.
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